Presenting... your 1975 Scrappers soccer team!
Coach "Coach" Brady - by league rules, the only member allowed to wear an afro.
Pedro "Son" Brady - by Coach's rules, the only member allowed to score goals.
Seamus "Vito" O'Brien - in charge of flattening tires of winning opponents' vans.
Fabio "Goldilocks" Williams - in charge of flatting winning teams' coaches after dark.
Andrew "Snookums" Andrews - head cheerleader and backup goalie.
Jimmy "James" Heathrow - diving kick-absorber and other blocking duties.
Ernie "Skippy" Scrotal - assistant benchwarmer, on the team because his mom brings them food.
Miguel "Hey You" Alvarez - token Hispanic guy to appease the league and the media.
Bing "Hap" Dingleson - assistant coach, mostly gives moral support and backrubs.
Robert "Dorcus" Elfrish - head benchwarmer, holds the league record for most games not played.
Kareem "Matty" al-Mohammed - obstacle, who is staying busy until basketball season starts.
Angelo "Itchy-Sack" DiMartino - offensive knee-kicking and groin-spearing.
Sigmoid "Shorty" Colon - head goalie; always blocking flying balls, even in the shower.
Brad "Smiley" Troy - on the team because his father owns the sporting goods shop that donates their equipment.
Myron "Who?" Sanderson - waterboy, backup benchwarmer, scales fences to retrieve the ball.
Hans "Nuts" Holter - uniform maintenance, and he looks impressive when he takes the field.
Tommy "Brenda" Gimbel - towelboy, runner, team whore, and odd jobs.
I looked it up: Rockmaker Scrap Metals is straight outta Compton CA. What, no black kids on the team?
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