Kent's SIG File Collection

  Many have asked, none have recieved - now you can get the entire collection of my infamous SIG files (stripped of my info-box, naturally). There should be over 290 tag-lines in this collection - lines that have made me think, laugh and maybe just live my life a little fuller. I hope you find something(s) you can use in here as well, Please feel free to use them for yourself.


Kent Fillmore

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside
darkness, and, with sickly fingers, pushed
through the castle window, revealing the pillaged
princess, hand at throat, gaping in frenzied
horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying
beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the
frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd explain it all to you, but your brain would explode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then
it's you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are two rules for success in life.
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fisherman at the dock said to me -
"Hey, want to see a fish with two heads?"
I said - "Sure!"
He picked up a fish out of his bucket and held it up.
Sure enough, it had two heads.
I said - "That fish has two heads!"
He said - "Yep, every fish I've caught today has two heads!"
I said - "What do you suppose caused that?"
He said - "I don't know."
We both stood there and watched the sun set behind the containment towers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Steal what works, fix what's broke, fake the rest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A child of five could understand this.
Fetch me a child of five.
-Groucho
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a
dog without bricks tied to its head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife says I lead a "dog's life": "He comes in with
muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and
expects to be fed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A friend is one who would help you move.
A best friend is one who would help you move the body.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Fail to honor people, they fail to honor you; but of a
good leader, who talks little when his work is done, his
aims fulfilled, they will say: "We did this ourselves."
-Lao Tzu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan
belt and a leaky tire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do
you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
(2) Advising the President.
(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't have a solution; but I sure do admire the problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* All I ask of Thee, Lord
* Is to be a drinker and fornicator
* An unbeliever and a sodomite
* And then to die. - Claude de Chauvigny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All I want is a little more than Iıll ever get.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of me is beautiful ...
even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Am I ambivalent?  Well, yes and no.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The genius of you Americans is that you never make any
clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves that
leave us scratching our heads wondering if we might
possibly have missed something." 
	-- Gamel Abdel Nasser
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had a friend attending U.C. Davis. He was majoring in
animal husbandry ... until they caught him at it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think animal testing is a terrible thing.
They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water
is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take
cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much
more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell
me what you know.
-Groucho
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from 
realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common
laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
- Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Called up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms
regional office and asked, "What wine goes best with an
M-16?"  The guy who answered did his best to be helpful:
"That depends. What are you smoking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Aztec contribution to our California Multicultural
Fiesta will be delayed, while the main course stops
begging for his life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It may be that my sole purpose in life is simply to
serve as a bad example for others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I always try to be modest and I'm darned proud of it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To be sure of winning, invent your own game, and never
tell any other player the rules.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 
gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably 
warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that 
quantity of beer."
--Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
--Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in
shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of
technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he
who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in
the first place." - Douglas Adams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I've said before, the trouble with our business
plan is that it depends for its success upon a
steady, rapid increase in the supply of
intelligent people who subscribe to our service.
However my experience of the growing population on
the Internet indicates a rapidly dwindling supply
of same, coupled with an exponential growth of the
staunchly stupid and profoundly ignorant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't mess with me, I have a black belt
... in nuclear physics!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, 
half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing 
sunglasses.  
Hit it!
-The Blues Brothers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had 
warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced
Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In
Switzerland they had brotherly love; they had five hundred
years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce?
The cuckoo clock. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only reason your brain is bigger than your nostril is
to prevent it from falling out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If builders built buildings the same way programmers 
program programs, then the first woodpecker to come along
would destroy civilization as we know it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California raisins murdered!
Cereal killer suspected.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning.
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I like cats too.  Let's exchange recipes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular
level I'm really quite busy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had
about you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He has the heart of a little child.  
...it's in a jar,
...on his desk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the opossums was St. Paul who cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
He said "A Christian should have only one wife. This is called 
monotony."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me
as members.
-Groucho
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Communication with the dead is only a little more
difficult than communication with some of the living.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The more you complain the longer God lets you live.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We must have courage, faith,
... and lunch together sometime soon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I loathe people who keep dogs. 
They are cowards who haven't got the guts to 
bite people themselves.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If the auto industry were like the computer industry, a car
would now cost $50, would get 500 mpg, and at a random time
would explode, killing all passengers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do I LOOK like a damn people person?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You've got to sing like you don't need the money; love
like you've never been hurt; and dance like nobody's
watchin', it's gotta come from the heart if you want it
to work."
-- Garnet Rogers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going 
to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"We are here to drink beer. ... We are here to kill war. 
We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well
that death will tremble to take us."
-Charles Bukowski
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prayer - to ask that the laws of the universe 
be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner 
confessedly unworthy.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive
habits.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I go, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep like my 
grandfather, not screaming and crying, ... 
like the passengers in his car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In order to discover who you are, first learn who
everybody else is - and you're what's left.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the
task completely overwhelm me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please don't ask me what the score is - Iım not even sure
what game we're playing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a
damn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either; just leave me alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eagles may soar ...
but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you think there is good in everybody then you
obviously haven't met everybody.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Failure Is Not An Option.  It's bundled with your
software.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sources may be unreliable, but their information is
fascinating.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only substitute for good manners are fast reflexes...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use language that makes him the dominant
species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's
one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't
afraid of vacuum cleaners.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said,
"I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things 
when I squeeze 'em"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Follow your dream!
Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear
during a fire drill...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Football combines the worst elements of American 
culture: committee meetings punctuated by periods
of extreme violence."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have a enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food
groups: the scotch group, the salty-snack group, the
caffeine group and the
"What-ever-it-is-in-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge"
group. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Frisbyterian: A person who believes that when you die,
your soul flies up and gets stuck on the roof.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ahhh... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Are you a fucking ray of sunshine every morning?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad
for you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
(Old Fillmore oral tradition)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came
today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of your scholarship, all your study of Shakespeare and
Wordsworth would be vain if at the same time you did not build
your character and attain mastery over your thoughts and your
actions.
--Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel much better, now that Iıve given up hope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an
incompetent slacker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change, the courage to change the things I can, and the
weaponry to make the difference stick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of
things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was
light. 'Hmm, pleasant effect' thought God, and flipped
it off and on a few times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"And God said, 'Let there be scotch!'
And He saw that it was good.
Then God said, 'Let there be light!'
And then He said, 'Whoa! too much light'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know God won't give me anything I can't handle.
I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
--Mother Teresa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When your purpose in life is to entertain God,
there's nothing to do but to put on a good show.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will
not use, as His messenger, a person on cable television
with a bad hairstyle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you do a good deed, get a receipt,
...in case heaven is like the IRS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eighty percent of good management is hiring the right
people. The other 20 percent is getting out of their way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 
286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of
Independence, but government regulations on the sale of
cabbage total 26,911 words.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I may not be the world's greatest lover, 
but number seven's not that bad.
_____________________________
| Kent Fillmore ......................... (626) 296-5807    
| Documentations Web Developer, ......... 3100 New York Dr. 
| EarthLink Inc. ........................ Pasadena, CA 91107
|     KentKam:     http://radio.earthlink.net/kentf/        
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Groucho:     So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
Mrs. Smith:  Yes, thirteen.
Groucho:     Thirteen!  Good lord, isn't that a burden?
Mrs. Smith:  Well, I love my husband.
Groucho:     Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of 
my mouth once in a while.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gun Control:  Use both hands, hit what you aim for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Habius testiculi, habes cardia et cerebellum
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember half the people you know are below average.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ham and Eggs.  Just a day's work for a chicken but a
lifetime commitment for a pig.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hard work never killed anyone... but risk has never been
my long suit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here I am!!!  What are your other two wishes?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be 
to allow the people to carry arms. History shows that all
conquerors who have allowed their peoples to carry arms 
have prepared their own fall."
-- Adolph Hitler, Edict of March 18, 1938. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and, 
whatever you hit, call it the target.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You Love Peace and Quiet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Single-handedly, I have fought my way into this hopeless 
mess.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is a constant dynamic to find how much can I get
away with and still go to heaven...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey.
We are spiritual beings on a human journey."
--Stephen Covey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was only after their population of fifty mysteriously
shrank to eight, that the other seven dwarfs began to
suspect Hungry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I burn my candle at both ends,
It will not last the night
But oh, my foes, and oh, my friends
It gives a lovely light"
Enda St. Vincent Millay
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The other day after I finished decorating the bedroom,
my wife said, "I've changed my mind." I asked, "Does it
work any better now?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I just drank WHAT?!?!"
-Socrates
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing
together and setting my pants on fire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I don't do .INI, .BAT, or .SYS files. I don't assign apps 
to files. I don't configure peripherals or networks before 
using them. I have a computer to do all that. I have a 
Macintosh, not a hobby." - Fritz Anderson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have you, you have me: at least one of us is lucky.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of
state and local laws.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy with
Chianti, and Favre beans...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my
disappointment when you came along.
-Dad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her
... or something like that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I sense much NT in you. NT leads to blue screen.
Blue screen leads to downtime.  Downtime leads to
suffering. NT is the path to the Dark Side.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for
there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I voted for the Republicans because I didn't like the way
the Democrats were running the country. Which is turning
out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your
headache.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I am a bomb technician.
If you see me running, try and keep up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower
than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster
than you is a maniac.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope
He like burritos, because that's what He's getting tonight!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If God is watching us, shouldn't we be like singing,
or dancing, or something ... ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If time heals all wounds...
how come the belly button stays the same?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If your voting could really change things, Congress
would make it illegal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the beginning there was nothing, and God said,
"Let there be light."
And there was still nothing, but you at least could see it. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dr. Internet: I am afraid that I'm becoming an
Internet addict.  How can I tell for sure?'   
-- Puzzled in Pasadena

Dear Puzzled, how many syllables do you think there are
in the word "coax"? 
-- Dr. Internet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inside every older person there's a younger person
wondering what happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yesterday's paper had the headline:
"Internet use linked to decline in mental well-being"

NOW THAT'S JUST THE SORT OF NON-SCIENTIFIC CLAPTRAP
THAT MAKES ME WANT TO BEAT THE GARBAGE OUTTA THAT
EDITOR!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish
funeral is one less drunk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's easy to grin when your ship comes in
And life is a happy lot.
But the guy who's worthwhile is the guy who can smile
When his shorts creep up in a knot!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me
and not you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jesus paid for my sins... I'm just getting my money's worth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of
heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are they that thirst for
justice when persecuted. Blessed are you when you suffer. Be
glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven."
 
Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And Andrew said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And James said, "Is this examinable?"
And Phillip said, "Is there an answer guide in the library?"
And Bartholomew said, "What came after poor?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this!"
And Mark said, "Don't take the overhead off yet."
And Matthew went to the bathroom.
One of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson
plan and enquired of Jesus, "Where are your anticipatory set and
your objectives in the cognitive domain?"
...and Jesus wept.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine
isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other
day after I said,  "Body, how'd you like to go to the six
o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body
said, "Listen very carefully, stupid; do it and die."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep smiling! (but not so much that people begin to
wonder if you are mentally unbalanced).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We put the "k" in "kwality."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Los Angeles: a Skinner maze filled with angry, frustrated
souls driving high-speed, lightly armored tanks in a frantic
search for the last exit to Hell. Demons, in cheap cars
riding the slow lane, blocking your escape from the metal
avalanche that embraces your frail meat in a death grip."  
-himself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing
myself with imaginary fears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I laugh in the face of danger, short-sheet death's bed and
put ice cubes down the back of the shirt of fear!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Learn from the mistakes of others... you can't live
long enough to make them all yourself..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feel free to let you mind go blank... Just remember
to turn off the sound.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Pledge of Allegiance says 'liberty and justice for
all'. Which part of 'all' don't you understand?"
- Rep. Pat Schroeder (D) Colo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't have a license to kill but I do have a
learners permit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is the only game in which the object of the game is
to learn the rules.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My life is already complicated enough, without trying
to introduce organization into it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not getting paid much for staying alive but it's
good experience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandfather told me many years ago, that if you gave up,
good scotch and cigars, you don't live any longer ... 
it just feels like it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I intend to live forever -so far, so good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's lonely at the top, but the food chain is all below you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someday, we'll look back on all this, laugh nervously and
quickly change the subject.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"There are two major products that come out of 
Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.  We don't believe this 
to be a coincidence." - Jeremy S. Anderson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You'll get my Macintosh... when you pry the 
mouse out of my cold, dead fingers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meandering to a different drummer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many MicroSoft tech support people does it take to 
change a light bulb?

A: We have an exact copy of your light bulb here and ours 
seems to be working fine.
Can you tell me what kind of system you have? 
Okay... just exactly how dark is it?
Okay... there could be four or five things wrong. 
Have you tried the light switch?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Middle age is when work is a lot more fun
and fun a lot more work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Middle Age is when you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Middle age hasn't affected me. I still enjoy going to a
happening place and staying there until they turn out the
lights and I'm the only one left. Last night, it was Costco.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Military justice is to justice what military music is to
music.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
millihamlet: the average coherency of prose 
created by a single monkey typing 
randomly on a keyboard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Millihelen:  The amount of beauty required to 
launch one ship.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I think if I could turn my mind into some kind of
amusement park ride, it would be really successful.
It scares ME half the time and I know what's in it.
-- R.M.Weiner 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes when I get direction from management I have to
stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself what MacGyver
would do in a situation like this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Moses looked upon the Lord and said: "We ARE your chosen
people, but you want us to cut the tips off our WHAT?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I see something as tender as a mother holding a baby
to her breast, I think to myself, "Man, I wish that damn
baby would get out of the way."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm just moving clouds today - tomorrow Iıll try mountains.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Once you have pulled the pin out of Mr. Grenade,
he is no longer your friend."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(UPI) Redmond, WA - Microsoft announced today that the 
official release date for the new operating system 
"Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter
of 1901.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Though my soul may set in darkness,
to arise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly 
to be fearful of the night.
- Sarah Williams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If humanity can land on the Moon, clone life, and create
the Internet, why can't men stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around
your neck?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't
there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be
needing them again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I took an IQ test and the results were negative!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level
then beat you with experience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never do card tricks for your poker buddies....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Experts say you should never hit your child in anger.
When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you postpone a pleasure long enough, it may melt,
spoil, die, evaporate, or move away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've noticed that when a new policy mentions me by name,
it's never a good thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If we didn't have electricity, we'd all be watching
television by candlelight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While no man is an island, some of us are REALLY long
peninsulas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I waited and waited, and when no message came,
I knew it must be from you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your
fellow man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
yip yip yip yap yap yip *BANG* --- NO TERRIER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No wanna work.
Wanna bang on keyboard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you think nobody cares ...
try missing a couple of car payments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nobody in football should be called a genius.
A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
--Joe Theismann
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The smiles of joy, the tears of woe,                        
Deceitful shine, deceitful flow,-                           
There's nothing true but Heaven.                          
-Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I asked my wife if she'd love me when i was old and
useless...   She said "Of course I do".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but
beautiful old people are works of art..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because
by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the other hand, you have five different fingers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several
days attack me at once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking too good either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Knocked; you weren't in.
-- Opportunity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a
dog, it's too dark to read.
-Groucho
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll
put shoes on my dog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found 
out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII -- and we 
thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, 
and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, 
we've realized it's a brochure."
- Douglas Adams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't
it.
-Groucho
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who were the Beta Testers for Preparations A through G???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would
have no personality at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a
thousand times the memory.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already
taken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All power corrupts; 
absolute power is kind of neat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As long as there are tests, 
there will  be prayer in public schools!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can
see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those are my principles.
If you don't like them I have others.
-Groucho
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I bet you have never seen a proctologist bite 
his nails.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Programming today is a race between software engineers
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs,
and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better
idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself,
unless I want to stay employed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well, I can't give you a brain 
... but I can give you a diploma."

-- the Wizard of Oz to Dan Quayle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Through gloom and shadow look we
On beyond the years;
The soul would have no rainbow
Had the eyes no tears.
~ John Vance Cheney
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember, it's not the final destination that's important
- it's how we take that long, long ride down the razor
blade of life."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl phoned me the other day and said ....  
Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over.
Nobody was home.
- Rodney Dangerfield
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Its been a rough day.  I got up this morning...
put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked 
up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
- Rodney Dangerfield

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept 
covering me up.
- Rodney Dangerfield


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in
an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You sound reasonable... Oops, time to up my medication
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the
ones that are someone else's fault.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I always know the right thing to say, after the right
time to say it has passed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know, if the the Constitution had meant for people to
carry arms for defense, it would have said something like
"The right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be
Infringed..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rome did not create a great empire by negotiation,
they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you save a drowning Christian?
There's no need to; they're already saved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The best way to save face to keep the lower part shut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Save your breath... you'll need it to blow up your date!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?"  She said if she told me, it would defeat
the purpose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of
folly is to fill the world with fools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of 
stress are eating too much, drinking too much coffee, 
impulse buying and driving too fast. 
Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The nice part of living in a small town like Monrovia, is
that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner
or later, you'll get a bug up your nose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug
about it.
--Hobbes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and,
furthermore, always carry a small snake."
- W. C. Fields 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No, why? Have _you_ ever snorted laser toner?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days
you're the statue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you 
haven't fallen asleep yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in
large groups.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it
look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan,
whimper, and complain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Come to think of it, taxation WITH representation ain't 
much fun either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer
all weekend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEAMWORK
(it means never having to take all the blame yourself)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many of you believe in telekinesis?
Raise my hand... 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please don't tell me to relax - it's only my tension
that's holding me together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn
off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Force. It surrounds us; it enfolds us; it gets us
dates on Saturday nights."
-- Obi Wan Kenobi, 
Famous Jedi Knight and Party Animal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someday the lion and the lamb may indeed lie down
together, but I promise you that lamb will NOT get
much sleep!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They laughed at Galileo, Copernicus and Columbus.
But remember, they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done
already?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anybody who thinks I am strange ought to meet you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This land is your land.
This land is my land.
So stay on your land,
and stay off my land...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight
shoes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To whom it may concern: you are a very special person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toilet stolen from Police Station. Cops have nothing
to go on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command.  Very often, that individual
is crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sure you can trust the government...
...just ask an Indian!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The truth is out there...
...you just don't know the URL!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
you've never tried before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word, and unlimited power.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Viking Memo #12:  First you pillage THEN you burn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Viking Memo#1:  Steal the CATTLE, rape the WOMEN... 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
A: Ugly sheep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think Iıll just sit here and wait till life gets easier.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That 
way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Got any rivers they say ain't crossable?
Got any mountains that can't be cut through?
We specialize in the wholly impossible,
doing things "nobody dreamed they could do."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We've been through so much together, and most of it was
your fault.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mild-mannered web editor by day,
positively grouchy web editor by night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't TUG on Superman's cape,
You don't SPIT into the wind,
You don't PULL the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger,
and You don't  *WEEDWACK*  dogsh*t.
- Jim Croce (after doing some yard work)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the chips are down, the cow is empty.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When death comes and whispers to me, "Thy days are ended,"
let me say to him, "I have lived in love and not in mere
time." He will ask, "Will thy songs remain?" I shall say,
"I know not, but this I know; that oft when I sang I found
my eternity."
--Rabindranath Tagore
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the
sky and thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling???"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And which dwarf are you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute...
I'll find someone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you run through the streets, imitating a lunatic, you
are in fact a lunatic. If you kill a man, saying you imitate
a criminal, you are a criminal yourself. A man who studies
wisdom, even insincerely, should be called wise.
--Yoshida Kenko
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The most certain sign of Wisdom is a constant cheerfulness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would
put them down and forget where they left them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn
to worship me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Worship me now and avoid the rush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When everything's coming your way, you're in 
the wrong lane.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"..the leader of the Russian Social Democrat party
is being put into power by the most heinous & evil
force of the 20th Century" Lone Gunman
member...."Barney ??" asks Fox Mulder.
--X-Files  2/18/94
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're
an artist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Experience shows that success is due less to ability
than to zeal.  The winner is he who gives himself to
his work body and soul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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